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Caring For Elders – 6 Pitfalls of Providing Care

By Hal Robertson

1. Dealing with a resentful spouse and upset children

If your family is one that likes to do a lot together and are use to weekend getaways, going to kids ballgames all the time, or just spending time watching TV together, major adjustments may have to be made when you become the caregiver for your elder.

This situation can cause feelings of anger and resentment in your spouse and children. They’ll feel cheated that you aren’t able to spend the time with them that you have in the past.

A great way to help them understand the situation is to take them with you when you are caring for your elder. This will help them understand exactly what it is you do, how important it is to your elder and why you haven’t been around at home as much.

Having children help with things such as exercise, or with make up applications may be something your children may enjoy. Not only that, but it will help them in becoming more caring human beings.

2. Feelings of being unappreciated by your elder

This can be a tough situation. Here you are giving your all and making significant sacrifices. Yet, all you hear are complaints, criticism. All accompanied by a complete lack of gratitude from your elder.

The danger here is that you may want to simply give up, begin visiting with less frequency. offering less care – all at a time when your elder needs you more than ever.

Support groups can be good places to turn for help with issues that arise from feelings of being under appreciated, but you may want to turn to someone who you are close to. They’ll be able to provide some objectivity in dealing with the situation.

Keep in mind that if your elder has always been an ornery or ungrateful type of person, they sure aren’t going to change now. But where you are closer to them now, you are going to be impacted by it even more than before. It’s also important to understand, however, that if these ungrateful type of traits are just surfacing now that they are likely tied to their illness and not directed at you personally. It’s very difficult to be treated poorly in either case, but especially so if you’ve never experience these actions from your elder before.

It’s certainly difficult, but you’ll have to try your best to build up a Teflon exterior so that you don’t end up being resentful, rude and obnoxious to your elder when they need your understanding the most right now.

3. Feelings of being unappreciated by your family

This can be a big issue, especially when you are doing a great job with caring for your elder. At first you may be very happy with yourself for doing such a great job, but over time, you may begin to get the feeling your efforts are being taken for granted. Once this happens, you may find yourself focusing on all the times you are missing out on because you are the primary care giver for your elder. These feelings can spiral out of control, if you aren’t able to keep them in check.

If this happens to you, I’d recommend searching out a support group. There are plenty out there – in person groups or online groups. You’ll quickly find that you are not alone in your feelings. You’ll likely find others are quick to provide support and ideas of how to best deal with your feelings.

4. Dealing with lower earnings

Without question, those who are directly involved with elder care end up with all sorts of issues that can and often do impact your earnings. Lost time from your job – not to mention lost career advancement opportunities – along with stress related illnesses and lower productivity at your job can all cause you to see a significant loss in wages. While nearly half of elder care givers in the United States are able to hold down a job while being the primary care giver for an elder, their earnings are generally impacted to some degree. Of course a lot depends on how much care is needed by your elder.

While lower earnings is certainly a cause for concern, the Family and Medical Leave Act of 1993 allows you for up to 12 weeks of unpaid time off to care for a family member, so losing your job immediately after determining you need an extended period of time off is no longer a concern.

5. Dealing with unemployment

While many people are dealing with unemployment issues right now as a result of the economy, this is something elder caregivers have been dealing with for a long time. A full 12% of working caregivers end up having to leave their jobs to provide their elder with full time care, especially if siblings aren’t able to assist with the care giving.

It’s not uncommon for this situation to adversely impact the elder you are caring for as they are fully aware of the sacrifice you have made. Some will offer to pay you for their care if they can afford to do it, but if you can avoid this, do so. Taking money to provide care can end up in feelings of guilt on your end and feelings of resentment in your elder.

If you’ve had to give up your job, you will want to bring this up in a family meeting when discussing your elder’s care. Make an itemized list of your costs and lost income. Perhaps other family members will be able to chip and and help you with expenses and lost income.

6. Dealing with your guilty feelings

Have you ever felt that no matter what you do, you could have always done a better job? This thought is usually accompanied by feelings of guilt. How about when you lash out at someone in frustration? Yep, there’s another. Guilt is a very common feeling when caring for an elder.

No matter how hard you try, you aren’t going to be able to change you feelings. These feelings of guilt are all part of the elder care package. Even though you can’t change your feelings, it’s important to realize that you are doing your best with the resources that are available to you. Throughout your time as a care provider for an elder, you’ll be faced with varying degrees of these type of feelings. When one goes away, it’ll be replaced by another feeling – either positive or negative. Know that these feelings are normal.

However, if you find you are having persistent negative thoughts and continual feelings of guilt, you may want to see your doctor as these can be signs of easily treatable depression. While you are providing care for your elder, you’ve also got to consider your emotional state as well. Don’t be afraid to get help.

Hal has been writing articles online since 2005. Not only does he specialize in elder care issues, he also maintains a number of informative web sites as well. You can check out his latest website Indoor Kerosene Heater which features the Dyna-Glo Kerosene Heater

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